Flying Solo

The disposal is motherforking broken

As a wife with a husband who occasionally travels for work, I am prone to put a lot of pressure on myself to take on the role of both parents while he’s gone. So instead of wallowing in the failure to put away clean laundry or wash all the dishes, I’m going to share this week’s successes with you all:

1. I took out the trash
This is a BIG DEAL. For whatever reason, I hate this chore. Maybe it’s putting on mismatched slip-on shoes to trudge through the cold dark alley, maybe it’s the smell, I don’t know. I hate it, but I did it.

2. I fixed the garbage disposal
This is less of a big deal. I’m a pretty handy lady, but I occasionally have vivid horror-movie visions of my arm getting chewed up by demonic blades. Turns out, a toddler-sized fork was crammed in there. Sorry, kiddo.

The disposal is motherforking broken
The disposal is motherforking FIXED

3. I got the child to school without forgetting anything
       Actually, I did forget my wallet this morning, but honestly, who really needs it unless you cut off a police car while dodging angry pedestrians jaywalking in downtown Seattle? That didn’t happen, so it was fine. I’ll amend the statement: “…without forgetting anything she needed.”

4. I paid bills
Again, a chore I HATE. I wish bill paying could go something like this:
“Siri, pay my bills.”
“Okay, I took care of your car insurance, your credit card, your student loans, and transferred a percentage of your paycheck to your retirement fund. Can I rub your feet or order some ice cream delivery?”
“Yes, please. I’ll take anything with chocolate. Thanks, Siri, you’re the best.”
“You’re welcome, Jen. And YOU’RE the best.”

Thanks, Siri. Now can you bring my husband home?

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